The mat says Welcome. Don't be shocked, you walked into an ugly part of me. If you can't handle it, there's the door.

My my my... it has been quite some time since I've been able to make time to write.

  It seems that so much has been happening and at the same time, nothing really. Lately however; the Lord has been teaching me how to have patience and grace. Neither of these mind you have I perfected and mastered. That may never actually happen now that I think about it and that's okay. The idea, however; is that the Lord in his great grace, mercy and patience, helps me to continue pressing into Him for these things to be perfected in Him and by Him alone.

  What brings me to share about patience and grace you ask? Well, where to begin really.

  My grandmother on my dad's side has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and has had it for a few years now. It is not easy by any means. Anyone that tries to tell you otherwise, has not experienced it first-hand and does not understand. I don't mean that to sound harsh. Here is what I'm getting at.




  "Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." -James 1:26-27 [NIV] 

  I never understood this verse before until it came time to help care for her. Her story with this disease kind of begins after the passing of her husband, my grandfather, back a few years ago. It has gotten to the point that she could no longer live on her own and needed to have supervision as her short-term memory began to fade. This led to the big decision of having her move in with my Aunt and my immediate family also help to care for her.
  At first, I thought, this will be easy. We'll just do a lot of fun things and keep it lively. In some ways, it can still be that way. Yet, in others I began to notice how serious this disease is. I found that having the same conversation multiple times and back to back throughout the day has become routine.

  Explaining that I am the oldest of four, giving ages and what everyone is doing gets old and exhausting. One thinks, "We just talked about this, you should remember".

  Not only may you repeat yourself often or explain something as if it was the first time, no matter what the topic, you help her with the little things that age doesn't make it easy for her to do anymore. Simple tasks such as getting ready in the morning and getting ready for bed become a chore. I have to admit that sometimes my heart isn't always in it. I am human. I do have parts of me that are not the prettiest, nor godly.

  I remember specifically one day she had asked for help to put on her socks. I did it. She thanked me and I thought nothing of it. Honestly, I was just tired.

  Sunday morning. Routine. Church. Sing some songs, listen to a message and sing some more songs right? Sure. Then comes time for communion. I go up and take the elements. The elements that we as Christians are to take in remembrance of the sacrifice Jesus made for our lives as sinners by paying our debt with His death and rose again. This is the time that we are to take a moment and reflect on what He has done.

  Silently, I begin to pray. "Dear Lord, thank you for the sacrifice you made by dying for me..." While my mind wanders off remembering what had happened just that morning with my grandmother and her socks, thinking, "Why is that so hard, I'm pretty sure she can put on her own socks".

  Then a still and powerful voice breaks through that statement like a bullet shattering glass. "I served you".
  Clear as day, follows a picture of the Lord Himself kneeling before me washing my feet just as He did the Disciples. They could have washed their own feet. I can wash my own feet. That's pride and not the point. Something happens when Christ Himself does this for me. His washing cleans me for Eternity. My washing only lasts maybe a day.
  Christ, the Mighty and One True King. Humbled Himself before His Father and took on the role of a Servant. If anything, I should be washing His feet.

  There it was. It doesn't matter if she can do it or not. You are to serve her. Help her. Care for her. Love her.

  My heart just broke and I could feel my eyes start to well up with tears. How could I be so insensitive and selfish. I was judging her [for something that is out of her control and not her fault] and myself as being too good to have to bring myself to that position. No mercy, compassion, love or grace. However; I do expect God to show all of those things to me as I feel I need it or dare I say, deserve it?
  Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

  If the Lord had corrected or responded to me the way that I responded to my grandmother in my heart, would've shocked and hurt me. In a way, He did. Though His intentions behind that statement, were very different than my own.

   I have been scolded. I have been humbled. I've been given a fresh start.

  As I continue to move forward from that day, it is a lesson I choose to keep close, to remind me of how the Lord wants me to serve and love. This can only happen when I incorporate Christ in everything I do and follow His example. I know I won't always get it right but it becomes second-nature the more I press into Him for guidance and as His Word begins to filter out the pollutants and transform me from the inside out. In this way, I am able to help care for the widowed regardless of the circumstance.

  "Experience is a brutal teacher but you learn. My God, do you learn." -C.S. Lewis