I'm Buffering... Part One

  Arg... you moan with annoyance, perhaps even hit the table, the couch, your face, a cat, or whatever else happens to be nearby because there it is before you. The spinning circle of death.

Mission Focused

"Is materialism a blind spot in American Christianity today? More specifically, is materialism a blind spot in your Christianity today? Surely this is something we must uncover, for if our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to question just how effective we will be in declaring the glory of Christ to the ends of the earth. More pointedly, if our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to wonder if Christ is really in us at all." -David Platt

A pretty strong statement is it not? The first time I read it, I had to read it again as it cut to my heart and was almost offended by it, but when I really thought about it, I found this to be so true. It's like what King David says: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-24

How many times have I heard this quoted but not really grasp the meaning of it. Going to Haiti over the past few years

The Journey

Oh to sit and epistolize what has afflated my soul. It is quite possible it may come off as babelism, but how can one not utter what has brought to one such astir? I am beamish at the very cogitation that after such an extensive period of time, a ballast has been instilled to keep me constant. Like an Ambit fixed True North, I find that more freedom is given when I stay the course.

  One path traveled afresh, the journey of forgiveness. Seventy times seven. Four hundred and ninety, three thousand four hundred and thirty. Incalculable. How can one so coolly offer such grace to what or who we see as undeserving? I in my own fortitude cannot. Would not. By Divine intervention could I release such resentment.

  The grapnel that encased my heart for so long, has been pryed apart, tossed to the sea and crushed by the waves. My ship has left the moor, the sails have been raised and a strong  Wind carries me towards the Island of Blessing. The Island where pure treasure is yet to be discovered. 

  I anticipate the life of a sojourner and keep my sight fixed on what lies before me. On towards the sparkling waters that touch the crimson sun in the evenings and strain to embrace all the glory during the day. The adventure has only just begun. 

-Amaris I.©
 

Benumbed

Benumbed

There she stands. Boots, a light jacket, a scarf and a millinery embracing her flowing locks. The colours around her begin to fade until they've become black and white. Herself soon to follow, as if the life was being drained out like blood from her being. From vibrant and saturated to sepia and then monochrome, she soon blends in with the atmosphere.

A chill sweeps through the air and a sense of horripilation comes upon her. It seemed the Season changed so quickly and she didn't feel it. Dead frosted leaves crunch beneath her soles as she makes her way down the path of a once animated and music filled forest. Tiny snowflakes start to float all around. 

Every sound overlooked when there was an abundance of noise but now every reverberation is magnified by silence. Silence. Oh sweet silence. To stop and hear the earth grow quiet. A moment she wishes would last a while and freeze in time. Nevermind that she can feel nothing in the cold and has become paralyzed to sensation. 

In that moment of complete and utter stillness she realizes, perhaps it wasn't she who was blending with the colourless backdrop. Perhaps it was the backdrop reflecting what she felt deep within. It mimicked her apathy and her perspective had been jaded. Yet still, she is set apart. While everything around is black and white, she is monochrome. A slight hint of silver, light, that is circulating through her veins. She provides the contrast needed to reflect this pointed scene.

That beauty can be found even in a benumbed stupor. 

-Amaris I.©
 

Untitled

Untitled 

Go here, Go there

Do this, Do that

Caught up in the busyness when I probably  don't need to be

What happened to order, to time

Maybe if I took a step back, I wouldn't see blurred lines

The mat says Welcome. Don't be shocked, you walked into an ugly part of me. If you can't handle it, there's the door.

My my my... it has been quite some time since I've been able to make time to write.

  It seems that so much has been happening and at the same time, nothing really. Lately however; the Lord has been teaching me how to have patience and grace. Neither of these mind you have I perfected and mastered. That may never actually happen now that I think about it and that's okay. The idea, however; is that the Lord in his great grace, mercy and patience, helps me to continue pressing into Him for these things to be perfected in Him and by Him alone.

  What brings me to share about patience and grace you ask? Well, where to begin really.

  My grandmother on my dad's side has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and has had it for a few years now. It is not easy by any means. Anyone that tries to tell you otherwise, has not experienced it first-hand and does not understand. I don't mean that to sound harsh. Here is what I'm getting at.

Surrender All

A piece I wrote 03/15/2014. This was something the Lord had been pressing on my heart even a few weeks before I actually wrote this. Things He was showing me and I wrestling with Him. Thought I would share it with you all.

Surrender All

Is it Him? Is He really speaking to me? No, maybe not. It's been so long and I mean, after all, I'm pretty sure He wouldn't ask that of me anyway.

Time passes and then again, "Lord? Are You really asking me this? But you know my heart, my dreams and desires. This isn't even something bad. I could understand if it was something horrible. But this? Why?"

"You need to surrender this area of your life to Me. And not just that, but everything and anyone that is attached to it." Clear as day. I have longed to hear my God speak to me. To hear His still, calm, firm yet loving voice and here it was before me with a command of such depth. Oh, how my heart has become pained with the very thought.

"But Lord, if I give you this, You may not give it back..." All He says in return, "Do you trust Me with your heart, your future?" "Of course! I don't doubt your goodness and your faithfulness. Just what I fear most is, if I fully commit to this path, I don't know how long it's going to take or how painful it's going to be..." "Do you trust Me? Will you still praise and worship Me, will you still follow Me even if I don't give this back to you?" Silence...

Two entire days of complete agony have now overcome my heart and soul as I wrestle within myself to truly surrender all. I thought I had, I spoke out about it before only to realize I never really dealt with it in the first place. Oh my God, please help me! Help my unbelief!

Day Three, I breathe deep and feel a desire, a dream, just slip away and this time I don't try to hold on to what I can with my fingertips. It is gone. Thank You Lord that I'm still alive, everything seems to be going well.

Then, that day... I had never realized perhaps how strong this dream of mine was until I was confronted with something that would then challenge the fact that I had already dealt with this. "You didn't really surrender this to God." The enemy tells me, but quickly as that thought came, my Prince was there with powerful words of His own that trumped that nasty foe. "You have surrendered it to me, but remember pick up your cross DAILY and follow me. Every time it comes up, all you need to do is continually surrender it to Me. Trust Me. I love you." Peace...

And so daily I press into Him, daily I pick up my cross. Sometimes it feels easy and light, while others burdensome and painful, yet because of my God's faithfulness, He is helping my unbelief and giving me strength to surrender all. -Amaris I. ©