When My World Was Shattered and Time Stood Still

Christmas Eve Morn, normal day

I go to work, overall it goes well.

Come Two O’Clock, an early release to enjoy the impending holiday, it’s time to go.

At home awaits parents, half the siblings and sweet grandmother. Can’t wait!

There she sits, glowing in her red/black dress and red blazer. A vision, so stunning.

I greet her, “Bendicion!” and kiss her cheek. She smiles, so happy to see me.

Christmas Eve Night, normal night

I, with half the siblings go to a Candlelight Service, it goes well.

Come Six O’Clock, it’s time to go.

At home awaits parents and sweet grandmother. Can’t wait!

Upon arrival a game of Dominoes commences, deal me in.

Silly comments made, “No se hace trampa” –“No cheating”.

Jokes, fun and laughter.

Dinner is served, everyone eats together, it’s a good time.

After the meal is finished, the Christmas Story is read from Luke. In Spanish.

A Second Christmas Eve Service, beautiful.

It’s getting late, time for bed.

Christmas Morn, Special Day

Breakfast is made, all eat together. All goes well.

Pending Skype date with the other half of the siblings. Can’t wait!

Gifts are opened, gratitude is shared.

Blessings are requested from the grandmother via Skype and love shared.

She’s tired, perhaps a nap is needed.

Tummy ache?

Lunch time, can’t wait!

She’s not hungry though.

Late afternoon, 911 is called. I see her color and life fading before my eyes.

I call to her, touch her, hold her. She does not respond.

She’s gone I fear.

At the hospital. Waiting, waiting and more waiting…

God what is happening?

My fear confirmed as the doctor comes in to give the news.

No. No, we don’t want to hear but it’s said anyway, almost on deaf ears.

She’s gone. Forever.

The moments shared together with her, fresh in my mind. On replay. Clear as day.

So vivid.

I will never forget.

My world just about ended. The Pillar of Prayer. The Warrior. The sweet, cherished, beloved woman.

She was gone.

I’m angry with God, how could He take her and on Christmas Day no less?

How could He take her? Knowing I wanted her to bear witness to “monumental” moments.

Yet, how I could be so selfish. She is complete, full, with no pain. She’s with Him in eternity.

One day, I will see her again.

One day I will hug her again.

One day.

Until then, my world will never be the same. It’ll remain shattered, broken.

I will still miss her; I may still cry for her.

But there is peace knowing she’s in His hands and went to be with Him on the best day.

To celebrate Christmas in Heaven.

I'm Buffering... Part Two

It can be easy to fall into self-pity when stuck. When I'm buffering I tend to just replay all the moments prior that were amazing and I enjoyed the most. I do this since I can't seem to move past that dreaded circle of death and after a while I begin to lose hope that it'll ever finish or go away! So I stay in moments past because at least those I know what the outcome will be.

I'm Buffering... Part One

  Arg... you moan with annoyance, perhaps even hit the table, the couch, your face, a cat, or whatever else happens to be nearby because there it is before you. The spinning circle of death.

Mission Focused

"Is materialism a blind spot in American Christianity today? More specifically, is materialism a blind spot in your Christianity today? Surely this is something we must uncover, for if our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to question just how effective we will be in declaring the glory of Christ to the ends of the earth. More pointedly, if our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to wonder if Christ is really in us at all." -David Platt

A pretty strong statement is it not? The first time I read it, I had to read it again as it cut to my heart and was almost offended by it, but when I really thought about it, I found this to be so true. It's like what King David says: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-24

How many times have I heard this quoted but not really grasp the meaning of it. Going to Haiti over the past few years

The Journey

Oh to sit and epistolize what has afflated my soul. It is quite possible it may come off as babelism, but how can one not utter what has brought to one such astir? I am beamish at the very cogitation that after such an extensive period of time, a ballast has been instilled to keep me constant. Like an Ambit fixed True North, I find that more freedom is given when I stay the course.

  One path traveled afresh, the journey of forgiveness. Seventy times seven. Four hundred and ninety, three thousand four hundred and thirty. Incalculable. How can one so coolly offer such grace to what or who we see as undeserving? I in my own fortitude cannot. Would not. By Divine intervention could I release such resentment.

  The grapnel that encased my heart for so long, has been pryed apart, tossed to the sea and crushed by the waves. My ship has left the moor, the sails have been raised and a strong  Wind carries me towards the Island of Blessing. The Island where pure treasure is yet to be discovered. 

  I anticipate the life of a sojourner and keep my sight fixed on what lies before me. On towards the sparkling waters that touch the crimson sun in the evenings and strain to embrace all the glory during the day. The adventure has only just begun. 

-Amaris I.©
 

Benumbed

Benumbed

There she stands. Boots, a light jacket, a scarf and a millinery embracing her flowing locks. The colours around her begin to fade until they've become black and white. Herself soon to follow, as if the life was being drained out like blood from her being. From vibrant and saturated to sepia and then monochrome, she soon blends in with the atmosphere.

A chill sweeps through the air and a sense of horripilation comes upon her. It seemed the Season changed so quickly and she didn't feel it. Dead frosted leaves crunch beneath her soles as she makes her way down the path of a once animated and music filled forest. Tiny snowflakes start to float all around. 

Every sound overlooked when there was an abundance of noise but now every reverberation is magnified by silence. Silence. Oh sweet silence. To stop and hear the earth grow quiet. A moment she wishes would last a while and freeze in time. Nevermind that she can feel nothing in the cold and has become paralyzed to sensation. 

In that moment of complete and utter stillness she realizes, perhaps it wasn't she who was blending with the colourless backdrop. Perhaps it was the backdrop reflecting what she felt deep within. It mimicked her apathy and her perspective had been jaded. Yet still, she is set apart. While everything around is black and white, she is monochrome. A slight hint of silver, light, that is circulating through her veins. She provides the contrast needed to reflect this pointed scene.

That beauty can be found even in a benumbed stupor. 

-Amaris I.©
 

Untitled

Untitled 

Go here, Go there

Do this, Do that

Caught up in the busyness when I probably  don't need to be

What happened to order, to time

Maybe if I took a step back, I wouldn't see blurred lines